Apologies are a way to acknowledge the hurt we may have caused, to repair wounds, and to reform beliefs that we absorbed as children that no longer serve us.  Apologize What greater compassion can you show for your Child and your Child Self, what greater respect can there be than an apology?  “I am sorry.” Try these words, “Little one, I am sorry. What I said was not ok. I will do better; it was not your fault.”  Then, forgive yourself.  What a gift this is to children—permission to forgive themselves and to know that humans, even adults, aren’t expected to be perfect. What a generous practice to your Child Self who perhaps did not fulfill the expectations of adults and carries a sense of failure and self-blame. A parent once came to me, a lovely intelligent mom, obviously distraught. She wanted her three-year old to be potty trained already. Even though she knew the research showed that she could leave her child alone or just provide gentle guidance, she wanted it done now. She was embarrassed that her child was the only one in class who was not toilet trained and began a campaign of threats and bribes.  I listened with compassion and when she was done, responded, “Go home and apologize. Tell her that you are sorry, you trust her body and know she will learn to use the toilet when she’s ready.  Let her know that you won’t pressure her again or care about what others think.  Say that you and she will develop a secret signal that says: We are a team and we will ignore anyone who criticizes or judges us. Mama is sorry.” Then I told her to forgive herself for wanting to fit in with other families and having made her child’s behavior a path to that. It’s ok, it’s hard to be different.  She thought I was crazy. Yet, she trusted me and tried my suggestion. Her child, of course, learned to use the toilet in her time and with much less anxiety and stress. Lo and behold, her daughter was married in her underwear and not a diaper. The child and mother had fewer power struggles throughout the course of their relationship. They struggled less with what others thought of them.  Apologies are a way to acknowledge the hurt we may have caused, to repair wounds, and to reform beliefs that we absorbed as children that no longer serve us.  In our culture, we are taught that strong emotions of any kind are unsafe.  We get the clear message that they are at best, embarrassing and irrelevant and at worst, life-threatening because we’ve revealed our vulnerability.  At some point, you will inadvertently shame your child for how they feel and also feel shame for your own feelings, times when you cannot bear to let your Child or your Child Self feel what they feel. Your message—whether intended or not—is that these strong emotions are wrong.  Imagine conveying this message to your Child or Child Self: “Little one, I’m sorry. I know you are sad, and I have been telling you that I am here and it’s okay to be sad. But I haven’t been honest. As a child, I was taught that it’s not okay to be sad or to be sad for too long, as if there are time-limits for sadness.  At times, like now, I get caught up in this idea and start believing it even though I don’t want to. Then I might tell you to stop feeling what you feel. I know you can feel the contradiction between what I’m saying and how I act. I apologize.”  Of course, you must adapt this language for your Child, but your Child Self can handle it.  “I’m sorry, I’m here, I am. I’ll listen to your sadness. I’ll make space for your feelings. The Adult me does not need to cry, but you do. Go ahead little one. You do not have to explain or apologize. I’m strong, I can hold you.  Remember an apology is not an act of contrition, “you don’t have to crawl on your knees,” as Mary Oliver says in her poem Wild Geese. But you do have to apologize with grace, gentleness, and compassion.  A final word on apologizing; an apology is not an apology when it is taken back or undermined with a defense or explanation. When saying I’m sorry ends with “let me explain,” “this is why,” “I did not really mean it,” or “it was not my intention,” you’ve essentially taken back your apology. It shifts the onus of responsibility onto the injured party, onto the Child you are raising or the Child Self.  When this happens the voice inside of the Child or the Child Self says, “Oh, I should not have these feelings because it was not intended, I was too sensitive, I was misinterpreted, or something is wrong with me”. Parents/adults often wonder whether they will lose their authority or the respect of the child if they apologize. The truth is the opposite. When we apologize, we become the trustworthy, dependable adults that the child and the Child Self need. Even the youngest child can sense when a message is not authentic. The child and the Child Self cannot be left on their own with these unspoken incongruities. It undermines trust and personifies the Adult, or the culture, as all-powerful.  You must be brave and compassionate and say, “I am sorry”.